|Still of the sky somewhere |
on my way to Allahabad
In the month of September 2016, I got first salary of my life. I could not think, what should I do with my salary. I have seen many persons, upon getting their first salary, partying and shopping with their friends and families. But I did nothing with my first salary. I don't have any materialistic aspirations. All of my wishes have been fulfilled by my family since my childhood. So the money, I got as my first salary, means nothing to me.
This year, I have given UPSC preliminary exam once again. The exam was fine as far as my preparations was concerned, but I shouldn't hope for positive result because UPSC is called Unpredictable Public service commission. Anything may be happen. I have to appear for UPPSC mains examination 2016 too, starting from 20th of September 2016. Some of my well-wishers have suggested me to fight for the executive post, like Deputy Collector (Sub Divisional magistrate or SDM), and Deputy Superintendent of Police (DySP). But I am lacking in motivation for these posts. I share my feelings with my father. I asked him, "Should I prepare for mains exam this year?" He advised me, "Feel happy for this post (ACct) which you have got because this post is free from any political interference. On this post, you can work freely without any outer pressure like public or politicians. It is very peaceful job which suits your nature." I think my father is saying right so I couldn't make up my mind to prepare for this upcoming exam. It is like burden on my head. Instead he suggested me to go for UPSC but it requires great amount of dedication.
Now a days, I regularly go to my office at Allahabad. One day, while going upstairs, I have seen a woman with two kids lying in the corner of stairs. I couldn't imagine the plight of that woman. There was the filthy "paan ki peek" in the corner of stairs where the woman was sleeping. Seeing them was a disturbing experience for me. The Gandhi's Talisman, which I have read in many NCERT text books, suddenly resurfaced in my memory. I am still thinking, What can I do for them? How can I make there living better with the help of my job? I don't know whether my feeling is same as that of Gautam Buddha, when he had seen the ailing man, the dead man and the sanyasi for the first time. Buddha was filled with the melancholy. But these scenes, I am seeing since my childhood and I have become habitual to it. Yet I distract whenever I see such people.
Although I have reached such a position where thousands of persons aspire to reach. In this way, I have tried to reduce the feeling of insecurity in me. Yet many times the feeling of insecurity anchoraged me and I am like any helpless guy. I have seen many of my colleague. I have observed that they are making contacts and getting familiar with all the officials. The higher officials recognized them but not me. I know what is the reason for my condition of lagging behind. I am not so talkative and don't mingle with everyone. So I am not like all of my colleagues. So a sense of alienation has trapped me.
So, conclusively I may say that I have a sense of indifference as far as the matter of my first job, my first salary and my marriage is concerned. But a smile floats on my face whenever I see the smiling face of my father and of my grandmother because of my job and marriage. So if they are happy because of me, then, I think I should also get pleasure in the happiness of my elders.