Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Way To Go?

It has been a great year for my civil services preparation. I have qualified Upper UPPSC prelims exam 2014, Lower UPPSC Prelims exam 2013 and MPPSC prelims exam 2013. I have appeared in the mains exam too and now waiting curiously for my result hoping for the chances to appear in interviews. Although I have appeared in the IAS prelims 2014 but could not succeed. 
I am preparing for exams after exams tirelessly and now feeling as completely lacking in inspiration. I could not understand 'why am I preparing for these exams. Earlier I was having a dream to become a writer. Then I have to postpone that plan and I joined the civil services preparation because of my father's wish. I can achieve these goals and I don't have any problems except lacking in motivation.  
In addition to this recently I heard that she is going to marry. Earlier she had rejected my proposal when I had indirectly asked her for marriage. I don't know what she was thinking about me and my family. I don't know whether she, herself, had rejected my proposal or it was done by her father. All I know is that she didn't want to marry at earliest. Approximately one year later after rejecting my proposal, I don't know what makes her to change her mind.
From where I think it was because of something else. I think perhaps she didn't like my family as my mother is mentally ill. Now I feel regret and think as a blunder of my life while proposing her for marriage. I should not have done that. Her rejection was not only her rejection but it lowers the reputation of my family.
I had gone ahead with my dreams of becoming a civil servant as it is thought most respected job in our society. I was having a wish, in a corner of my heart, that may be she would accept my proposal. But I was wrong. You may think 'I was dying for her'? Of course not! There is inevitability of marriage in our society. I was having a little bit of affection for her in my heart since last 10 years but never expressed in front of  her. I was rather feeling shy. It was only then when my family members forcing me to marry, I expressed my choice. yeahh....she was my choice! I was not her choice!..
Now what should I do? I have already postponed my plan of marriage because of civil services preparation and now I feel lacking in motivation for this exam...
Feeling confused......

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