Saturday, November 29, 2014


What is negativity? I often think that I am the only negative person but when I met with others, I feel that they are more negative than me in their thinking. 
Two years have been passed since I have started preparing for civil services exams with motivation of my father. He is the only guiding force behind my exam preparation. I have tested some success as well as some failures which I have written about earlier in my previous posts. Earlier I was filled with inspiration but as the time is passing, my inspiration is heading towards emptiness. 
When I had not preparing for this exam, I was having some good friends but as I entered in this preparation I started loosing many of them. There were some friends with whom I have gone to Delhi for my exam preparation but I have to leave their company due to some disputes. And then I started living with another guy who belonged to my village. But soon I find uncomfortable in his company and I have to leave his company along with Delhi too. I don't know whether it is all my fault or theirs or both of us have committed some mistakes which leads to this. But I have some bitter feeling of those days with me even today. After leaving Delhi, I came to Allahabad with one of my childhood friend who was also preparing for the same exam. He respects me a lot. But soon I found uncomfortable living with him. And now I am heading towards leaving Allahabad too and going back to Delhi once again. But I don't know whether it would be a part of my success story or would became a blunder.
There were so many ups and down in my life during a short period of two years and it was not good overall when I think about my friends, but it was good when i think about my results. The dream which I am carrying with me since last two years, "would it transform in to reality?" I don't know. 
I was fond of reading novels and had read a lot of good books which have thought many things to me. Be it either Ruskin Bond, my favorite author, or Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam, my favorite motivator or other writers like Arvind Adiga, Paulo Coelho, Khushwant Singh etc whose thoughts have inspired me in my day to day life. But it was all with me since two years ago. As I entered in this field I have to give up my reading habit of novels as there are so many things in this field to study for except literature. I really miss those days when I was dreaming to became a writer like Ruskin Bond. But now a days I don't read literature.
There are some health complications with me. I sleep very less, my memory power is deteriorating gradually. I have got fattier than earlier. My waist have became 34 inch from ideal 32 inch and it is heading towards 36. There are some complications in my neck and in my shoulder girdle. I think it is leading to spondolysis because I use the pillow excessively. In addition to this I have some psychological problems and I consider myself a negative person overall. But above all of this I am hopeful for my success.
In 2014 when I cleared my state prelims exam, it was all a surprise for me as well as for others. In 2015, I have to reappear in my state prelims exam, but i am not so much hopeful for my results as it is a competition and a single mistake of yours would lead you towards failure.
Due to this I am feeling a little bit of pressure to perform because if I would fail, the people would say my first success was just luck. But I don't care for them. All I am worrying is my father's wish to be fulfilled. It is only because of my father that I am preparing for this exam. Otherwise I have not thought about it. I remember last year, when my father was hospitalized due to some heart related problems. I was appearing for my state mains examinations at that time. It was very complicated moment because it was the first time I was seeing him in hospital in my thirty years of age. My father is the ultimate source of inspiration for me. And on seeing him in hospital, I felt very lonely. I was weeping at that time as I was filled with a feeling of insecurity. For the first time, in my life, I realized that how shallow I am from inside? I can not imagine my life without him.
Now, it's all up to me, and I am standing on the square of dilemma as always...............
Jitendra Gupta